Beginner’s Guide to Avoiding Arguments

It is impossible to argue with someone if they don’t participate. A second person is required to play along if you want an argument. This fact was a valuable lesson that I learned early enough in life that made a big difference in how I live. Most disputes begin because of a difference of opinions.

If you intend to reach a resolution and create a win/win outcome, arguing isn’t the direction to take. Instead, the most reliable way to achieve a collaborative result is to ask questions.

Coaches ask questions so the other person can hear in their own words the solutions. Some coaches don’t ask questions to listen to the answer, but rather the client can listen to their responses. Details allow people to take ownership and responsibility for the solution. Although there are times when coaching clients, I already recognize the answer, but it is more effective to allow my client to come to it on their own in using their own words. The same is true for arguments. If all you want is a quarrel, questioning isn’t likely to be helpful. If you’re going to co-create a solution, help create clarification pleasant to both parties.

It’s useless to argue or reason with people when talking about them or their personal beliefs. They most always begin the conversation, believing others are wrong, and they are right on the foundation of their self made arguments.

For example, a professor might gain better results by simply asking the question, “If you were the professor teaching this course, how would you grade the paper?” or even “What do you think your grade should be?”. A single question allows the student to consider variations in the effort and consider the outcome from another perspective point. Most often, the conversation ends with the student accepting the grade or having gained a better understanding of why they earned the letter grade they received. Questioning empowers people to work through the predicament and study it creatively.

This process is especially helpful anytime there is opposition. The method of asking questions is beneficial when for all conflicts.

Another example is when customer service struggles to help you, and you’re talking to the fifth person in the chain of command on the telephone, you can start asking questions. Start with the most important one: “How will we resolve this?”. Stay calm and focused on the goal of getting what you need. By asking questions, it helps both you and the worker stay focused without arguing.

Unless you want to have a certified argument, avoid defending your position, and focus on asking questions. Questions take the tension and heat out of the situation and allow both parties to view the problem from an alternative viewpoint. Even when you know the answer, the other person will be more open to the solution if allowed to discover it on her own.