Love Yourself Like Your Neighbor

Tucked in the center pages of the Bible written by the disciple Mark are two of the greatest commandments that Jesus gave us. “The first is Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these. “

The first has its own struggles but can be accomplished by complete surrender to the Lord. But the second sounds easy. In fact, too easy when, in reality, it is tricky. When I read this verse, I know what Jesus means, but what if we really loved others as we love ourselves? Would it be an unconditional joyful kind of love? Or would it reflect the way we talk to ourselves when nobody is listening? Wouldn’t that be horrible?

Self-confidence is crucial for everyone. It’s one of the characteristics that remain healthy in the face of high stress of constant change. It’s essential, but how do you build and maintain practical self-confidence? 

Assess your self-worth by checking to see what you say to yourself privately. Studies estimate that people make between 300 and 400 self-evaluations per day, and each one happens quicker than we realize it. Sadly, for the bulk of us, those evaluations are far from pleasant. We major and excel in self-criticism. Research suggests that a whopping 80% of our self-evaluations are negative, leaving a meager 20% of positivity. 

A simple error can result in a forty-five-minute self-whipping-“That was stupid. I can’t believe I said that. And everyone was watching me. I bet everyone is probably going home tonight talking about me!” And if that’s not severe enough, we have an old file clerk that resides in the rear of our intellect who responds to our attacks and goes back to weigh the evidence-“Just a minute, boss. Let me check the ‘stupid’ file here. Why, yes, you are indeed stupid! And, you’re getting worse. Remember the time you…” Most of us are experts at making ourselves feel worse, not better. 

Yet when you allow yourself the gratification of feeling accomplished about something you did, it rarely lasts long. We talk ourselves back down and discredit our successes with our favorite phrases like: “I was lucky!” “It’s about time;” “I should have done better!” When was the last time you lost slumber over having a great day? Never!

Even though we are so self-critical, we continuously put our best foot forward in public and present ourselves as being 95% effective, and only admit to making a rare mistake as a human. You may mislead others, but you certainly don’t fool yourself. When you analyze what you know about yourself against everyone else’s public image, you lose horribly. When you major in self-criticism, you end up seeking loved ones, parents, friends, and supervisors who affirm you and make up for your lack of self-esteem. Unfortunately, when you covet praise from others, you allow them to control your self-worth and confidence. When they withhold their approval, they can leave you feeling less effective, less confident, and more dependent. 

Let’s stop for a second and admit that you would most certainly not talk to other people the way you talk to yourself! Can you imagine telling your dearest friends: “You did that? You’re stupid! Did anyone see you? It’s just like the time you….” Who needs friends like that! Imagine if management talked to their employees the same way you speak to yourself, they would file a grievance and win. You warrant the same if not more favorable treatment than what you would give a friend. Learn to make space for your mistakes and look at them as training encounters. 

Since blunders are a natural part of life in the fast lane, we need to find ways to be self-critical without inflicting a self-beating. Begin by looking at criticism as course-correction data that encourages us to get back on track in our route to success. The goal isn’t to blame or criticize; it’s to provide future-focused feedback that empowers your tomorrow to be more effective! 

Dilbert Cartoonist, Scott Adams, put these insights into action when somebody paired him with an amateur tennis player: “Once at a tennis tournament, I was paired with a woman who had just learned how to play. Whenever she missed a shot, she immediately turned to me, expecting that I would be disappointed or frustrated. Instead, I talked to her about our strategy for the next point. By doing so, I sent a critical message: The past doesn’t matter. I didn’t encourage her with empty praise-that rarely works. But I know that if she dwelled on a mistake, she was more likely to repeat it and that if she focused on how we were going to win the next point, she was more likely to help us do just that. Over several days, her abilities improved dramatically, and we ended up winning the tournament.” 

Give yourself the same grace. Think about driving a car; if you spend all of your time looking in the rearview mirror, you’re bound to hit another vehicle that can be seen clearly out of your large front window. The mirror is made for glancing back; it’s not supposed to be the main focus while moving forward in your destination. There is a reason your rearview mirror is smaller than your front window. Stop peering out of your rearview mirror and start concentrating on driving to your desired future by looking forward. Practice putting an end to self-attacks and start using explicit feedback. What could you have done differently? What will you change for your next opportunity? 

Practice admitting to your mistakes. I’m not rude, but I’ve had moments that did not make me feel proud of myself. I know that there have been times when people around me have not appreciated my actions, voice tones, or facial expressions, yet those same people still responded with a smile.  

After recognizing a slip, focus on the future by asking two key questions: First, ask, what can you do to correct the problem? If any constructive action or apology could revise the predicament, schedule a time to do just that. Secondly, and most importantly, how can you handle the same situation should it occur again? If you have an admired colleague or friend, don’t be afraid to use them as a sounding board. If you aren’t comfortable with that approach, try writing down your thoughts or use questions to help focus your self-criticism. Your goal is to learn from the past and focus on a new strategy. 

Self-confidence begins when you can learn from missteps and then move beyond them to improve consistently. Embrace the hurdle of turning your mistakes into stepping stones toward making change work for you and your organization. 

To increase notable change: 

1. Add the habit of ending your day in reflection.
2. Take note of how many times you used constructive criticism rather than just criticizing yourself.
3. Use your calendar to record your success.

You may be winning but not recognize it if you’re not keeping score!